Shiny happy people

Let me explain the significance of the smiley face.

As with so much of adult female life, aiming to conceive (or not) largely revolves around peeing on a small stick. The ovulation test is merely one more stick one has to pee on, but to differentiate it from the others, a positive result is shown with a digital smiley face. They come in packs, with disposable sticks to be slotted into the digital reader, and on the appropriate days of the month, one slots a stick into the reader, and well, you know the rest. If its not the right day, you just get a blank circle. I bet they thought about putting a sad face on the readout but for those of us with poor eyesight that was bound to cause confusion.

I suppose its too risky to have a smiley face read out on a pregnancy test kit. I mean, if one has purchased an ovulation kit its generally because one is trying to get pregnant and therefore knowing that you are indeed ovulating is a joyous outcome, that only arrives once a month, with a peak surge in the hormone responsible.

I have undertaken pregnancy tests in the past, and I can assure you, a digital readout of a happy smiley face would have resulted in wiping the smile off mine. Better to stick with the classic two line action there, I think.

The fertility test I just bought has both a male and female test, and the difference between the two pieces of testing apparatus is significant.

The female apparatus is, yes, youve guessed it, a stick for me to pee on - this time with a classic two-line display. This stuff is the serious big time test, we don't mess around with smiley faces here girl, oh no. AND IT MUST BE DONE ON THE THIRD DAY or there shall be consequences. There is a certain poetic injustice that my 'third day' is going to be Easter Sunday, when everyone around me has kids stuffing their faces with Easter egg fertility symbols, but hey ho - at least I don't have to make a big family dinner.

But the male apparatus - oh no - no stick here! This is one for the boys. It has lots of different bits and gadgets and lights and bells and whistles. The only thing is the instructions seem a lot more complicated and involve much multi-tasking and waiting around - as if the designers have thought:
"Ha - he will get bored and go and watch football while she finishes the test, so she will know the result and be able to break it to him gently! There is method in our madness! If he doesn't bore easily we have added lights and complications to keep him interested and keep his nerves from playing up." Distraction is clearly the way forward.

Tomorrow is T-day for me. I only told the applicant father this morning that I had bought the test, so it may take a while for him to pluck up the courage to take it. He is very much worried that the excesses of his youth will have played havoc with his sperm count. He used the phrase "Sometimes ignorance is bliss" today. Bless. But we did agree that if there is something wrong it's best to know now.