highs and lows

So I took the test. For variety, this time, instead of peeing onto a stick, I took the lazy option of peeing into a container and then poking the stick into the container full of pee for 20 seconds. Which theoretically is easier than standing holding the stick in a flow of your own pee for 5 seconds, trying not to get pee onto the readout part of the stick. However, I failed to realise that the container I used (for cotton buds originally) had two small holes in...not until after I had peed in it anyway. So my test also involved a stream of pee in an arc between the loo and the sink, and some artful tilting action to ensure that enough pee remained in the container to allow the stick to soak it up for 20 seconds. 20 seconds later, I was waiting on the test result and wiping pee off the floor tiles.

You'll be pleased to know that I have a 'normal ovarian reserve', which although it sounds like something a 1920's schoolmistress would write on a report card, is a good thing for a woman in my (aging, childless) predicament.

SO

I soon realised that my delight would be short lived, as I would have to persuade the expectant father to take his test. Oh, the fear in his eyes when I explained this to him. There is something very primal about the male realisation that 'firing blanks' might be a real possibility, and that he would have to masturbate into a cup to find out whether this is the case. As he said himself after taking the test, it wasn't his most dignified hour. He surprised me this morning after I picked him up from work by stating that today he was going to "go home, have some lunch and wank into a cup".
I genuinely thought he would take a few days more to talk himself into it, but now, he steeled himself, drew the curtains and (with me helping a bit) went for it. Chocks away, as they say.
The waiting involved in the men's test isn't even funny. 80 minutes! I thought the waiting for the women's test was bad, but this took real determination and application. So of course, once the sample was well and truly dispatched into said cup, he left me to it and played on the computer for about an hour, checking every so often to see what was happening.

We followed the instructions to the letter. Wait for half an hour, put top of test on, press big blue button, wait for half an hour, wait for light to stop flashing, turn the turny thing, wait for flashing light to change tempo and then stop, turn turny thing again and read result.
Check, check, check, a million times check.

No lines.
If one line is visible, you have a low count. If two lines are visible you have a normal count. If no lines are visible the test hasn't worked.

After all that.
After all the indignity, the waiting, the buttons and lights and flashing and turning.
No dice.

As you can imagine, he didn't take it very well. Already having deep seated fears regarding his fertility, this DID NOT HELP. The leaflet said to ring the helpline. So I rang the helpline, to hear a lovely polite (if a little vocally flat) answerphone message telling me that the helpline only operated 9am - 12 Monday to Friday and to look up the website. So I left an irritated contact message on the website, my irritation having been exacerbated by noticing that in America you can buy male tests separately, but in the UK only 'female' and 'couples' test kits are available. DO British and Irish men just not want to know? What is the craic with that?

SO now we are forced to wait yet again, this time for the manufacturers to get back to us.
They blinking well better give us a free test, is all I can say.

Shiny happy people

Let me explain the significance of the smiley face.

As with so much of adult female life, aiming to conceive (or not) largely revolves around peeing on a small stick. The ovulation test is merely one more stick one has to pee on, but to differentiate it from the others, a positive result is shown with a digital smiley face. They come in packs, with disposable sticks to be slotted into the digital reader, and on the appropriate days of the month, one slots a stick into the reader, and well, you know the rest. If its not the right day, you just get a blank circle. I bet they thought about putting a sad face on the readout but for those of us with poor eyesight that was bound to cause confusion.

I suppose its too risky to have a smiley face read out on a pregnancy test kit. I mean, if one has purchased an ovulation kit its generally because one is trying to get pregnant and therefore knowing that you are indeed ovulating is a joyous outcome, that only arrives once a month, with a peak surge in the hormone responsible.

I have undertaken pregnancy tests in the past, and I can assure you, a digital readout of a happy smiley face would have resulted in wiping the smile off mine. Better to stick with the classic two line action there, I think.

The fertility test I just bought has both a male and female test, and the difference between the two pieces of testing apparatus is significant.

The female apparatus is, yes, youve guessed it, a stick for me to pee on - this time with a classic two-line display. This stuff is the serious big time test, we don't mess around with smiley faces here girl, oh no. AND IT MUST BE DONE ON THE THIRD DAY or there shall be consequences. There is a certain poetic injustice that my 'third day' is going to be Easter Sunday, when everyone around me has kids stuffing their faces with Easter egg fertility symbols, but hey ho - at least I don't have to make a big family dinner.

But the male apparatus - oh no - no stick here! This is one for the boys. It has lots of different bits and gadgets and lights and bells and whistles. The only thing is the instructions seem a lot more complicated and involve much multi-tasking and waiting around - as if the designers have thought:
"Ha - he will get bored and go and watch football while she finishes the test, so she will know the result and be able to break it to him gently! There is method in our madness! If he doesn't bore easily we have added lights and complications to keep him interested and keep his nerves from playing up." Distraction is clearly the way forward.

Tomorrow is T-day for me. I only told the applicant father this morning that I had bought the test, so it may take a while for him to pluck up the courage to take it. He is very much worried that the excesses of his youth will have played havoc with his sperm count. He used the phrase "Sometimes ignorance is bliss" today. Bless. But we did agree that if there is something wrong it's best to know now.

New beginnings

I've been married for six months now. My clock is ticking, more loudly every day. We decided that we would try for a baby immediately, but somehow that's beginning to sound like a joke. Six months in, and still no dice. People ask every so often about the patter of tiny feet, and I am still able to laugh, but I don't know how long that will continue.

Every time someone asks if we are trying for a baby, I automatically want to angrily retort with "So - you want to know if we are having unprotected sex?" but I always seem to chicken out. I'm not sure how many more well-meaning quips about the patter of tiny feet that I can take.

My period began again today. Last month I bought an ovulation testing kit. It made a strange change from buying the morning after pill. I quite enjoyed waiting for the happy smiley face which indicated my ovulation time. My husband didn't quite get what the smiley face was about and went out to his footballl match as normal. He realised that I was a bit out of sorts when I got home and I had to explain to him, in detail, how short the window of opportunity actually is.

We still haven't got to that mechanical 'we need to have sex NOW' stage, and I really hope we don't.

It's just so annoying, I seem to be surrounded by teenage mothers who get pregnant at the drop of a hat (yes I KNOW that hats have nothing to do with it). I'd make a much better mother than lots of people who seem to have no difficulty getting pregnant. And the worst thing is, I know that I used to be fertile. I nearly was one of those teenage mothers, and ended what was a totally healthy, although unwanted pregnancy when I was 16. I'm not going to go into the whys and wherefores of termination, but I made the right decision at the time. I will admit to a tinge of frustration when I think about how it seems to have become so difficult to concieve now, though. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, and I can't help wondering if I have done something that has resulted in my infertility, so I did something today that I never thought I would do. I bought an infertility testing kit (male and female tests included).

I figure that if I am infertile I would rather know now, than wait until later down the line. I gave myself an arbitrary 12 months to conceive, and I know I'm only 6 months in, but I've never been the patient type. If I need help, I would be better knowing. I keep reading about women having babies in their 40's but really, I would rather get pregnant while I am still in my 30's if at all possible.

I've been taking folic acid and started taking selenium and zinc today. I've started eating organic food. I need to lose weight (but then - who doesn't?), and I need to stop drinking so much caffeine. I don't smoke.

I have to do the test in 2 days time. It's a bit scary. Part of me thinks it'll all be fine, but what if it isn't?