New beginnings

I've been married for six months now. My clock is ticking, more loudly every day. We decided that we would try for a baby immediately, but somehow that's beginning to sound like a joke. Six months in, and still no dice. People ask every so often about the patter of tiny feet, and I am still able to laugh, but I don't know how long that will continue.

Every time someone asks if we are trying for a baby, I automatically want to angrily retort with "So - you want to know if we are having unprotected sex?" but I always seem to chicken out. I'm not sure how many more well-meaning quips about the patter of tiny feet that I can take.

My period began again today. Last month I bought an ovulation testing kit. It made a strange change from buying the morning after pill. I quite enjoyed waiting for the happy smiley face which indicated my ovulation time. My husband didn't quite get what the smiley face was about and went out to his footballl match as normal. He realised that I was a bit out of sorts when I got home and I had to explain to him, in detail, how short the window of opportunity actually is.

We still haven't got to that mechanical 'we need to have sex NOW' stage, and I really hope we don't.

It's just so annoying, I seem to be surrounded by teenage mothers who get pregnant at the drop of a hat (yes I KNOW that hats have nothing to do with it). I'd make a much better mother than lots of people who seem to have no difficulty getting pregnant. And the worst thing is, I know that I used to be fertile. I nearly was one of those teenage mothers, and ended what was a totally healthy, although unwanted pregnancy when I was 16. I'm not going to go into the whys and wherefores of termination, but I made the right decision at the time. I will admit to a tinge of frustration when I think about how it seems to have become so difficult to concieve now, though. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, and I can't help wondering if I have done something that has resulted in my infertility, so I did something today that I never thought I would do. I bought an infertility testing kit (male and female tests included).

I figure that if I am infertile I would rather know now, than wait until later down the line. I gave myself an arbitrary 12 months to conceive, and I know I'm only 6 months in, but I've never been the patient type. If I need help, I would be better knowing. I keep reading about women having babies in their 40's but really, I would rather get pregnant while I am still in my 30's if at all possible.

I've been taking folic acid and started taking selenium and zinc today. I've started eating organic food. I need to lose weight (but then - who doesn't?), and I need to stop drinking so much caffeine. I don't smoke.

I have to do the test in 2 days time. It's a bit scary. Part of me thinks it'll all be fine, but what if it isn't?